There are a few things that you don’t get told, in Equine Management class, like how you will have to fix fences, at 7 am on a Sunday, when you were planning on sleeping in, but when you let the dogs out, you notice that the wrong horse is in the wrong area, and the horses that were supposed to be in that area are not. In fact, they are no where to be seen. But, before you can go find them, you have to fix the fence all by yourself, because it is 7 oclock in the morning, and no one else is up. and so you do.  Eventually, after calling some names, and shaking the grain scoop, the errant wayward escapies wander back to the barn, and everything is put right, and an hour an a half later, you get to climb back into bed for 1/2 hour before getting on with your day.  I never read that in my equine management textbooks.

and so my show season will be short, my “dressage horse” lame, and a huge vet bill on a horse, and still no diagnosis…   am I disappointed. I actually don’t know. Last Tuesday one of my cast of characters (Mocha) was standing like usual in his stall, it was raining and everyone had stayed in, trying to keep them from tearing up my valuable ground so I have some kind of grass to turn them out on… I went up the barn aisle giving out a treat, when I got to Mocha, he tried to take the treat, but saliva poured out of his mouth, pooling on the floor outside his stall. I took a step back to look at him, he peered back at me, with an expectant look on his face, ears forward, and reaching for me,, so I checked his stall, all his morning hay was gone, as was water, and he didn’t appear to be in distress.  I gave him a handful of hay, he chewed, but then the hay fell out of his mouth, it seemed his tongue couldn’t move the chewed matter back to his throat in order for him to be able to swallow.  As much as I know about horses, this was above my pay grade in terms of diagnosis, and treatment… I called the veterinarian.  She came, did an exam, checking his mouth, and neck area thoroughly, finding no obstructions, or cuts, or bad teeth in his mouth,  gave an early diagnostic possibility of botulism, or vitamin E deficiency .. she pulled blood, gave him a whopping does of Vitamin E, because that was her best guess, some banamine, and told me to call if he got worse.  The tab for this hour plus, was well over 500 dollars.  So, there went my show budget of the season, but since Jack is lame, and has melanoma, well.  It is what it is.

October 2nd.

So, the summer has passed, It is October, I haven’t touched my blog since late June. The hay loft is filled, well ,  except for the hay I’ve used for August and September.  I got round bales delivered on Friday, and all the horses are happily munching away.  The round bales don’t really save me any money, but keep the horses happy, and do save me some labor.  I figure one round bale equals 10 to 12 bales of hay,  and each horse eats 4 bales per week, of fed out hay, in stall, and in pasture…. so far, the round bales, have saved me roughly 5 bales of square bales. But.

The summer didn’t work out well business wize,  I didn’t give any lessons in July really, One student leased her favorite horse, and another came to ride with her, but that was it.  I lost 3 people coming back into the fall.. I am feeling lost, and so got a part time job, in a flower shop, I wouldn’t say I love it, but it is chores related, and I am good at chores,, it certainly doesn’t pay what giving lessons does, but it eases my desperation on how to take care of my horses.  Im giving lessons a rest for the winter.  Since, I don’t know why my other students left, although I asked, and I don’t know that I have the heart to start over again.  I figure, Ill work through the winter, and re-visit it  in spring.

and so my show season will be short, my “dressage horse” lame, and a huge vet bill on a horse, and still no diagnosis…   am I disappointed. I actually don’t know. Last Tuesday one of my cast of characters (Mocha) was standing like usual in his stall, it was raining and everyone had stayed in, trying to keep them from tearing up my valuable ground so I have some kind of grass to turn them out on… I went up the barn aisle giving out a treat, when I got to Mocha, he tried to take the treat, but saliva poured out of his mouth, pooling on the floor outside his stall. I took a step back to look at him, he peered back at me, with an expectant look on his face, ears forward, and reaching for me,, so I checked his stall, all his morning hay was gone, as was water, and he didn’t appear to be in distress.  I gave him a handful of hay, he chewed, but then the hay fell out of his mouth, it seemed his tongue couldn’t move the chewed matter back to his throat in order for him to be able to swallow.  As much as I know about horses, this was above my pay grade in terms of diagnosis, and treatment… I called the veterinarian.  She came, did an exam, checking his mouth, and neck area thoroughly, finding no obstructions, or cuts, or bad teeth in his mouth,  gave an early diagnostic possibility of botulism, or vitamin E deficiency .. she pulled blood, gave him a whopping does of Vitamin E, because that was her best guess, some banamine, and told me to call if he got worse.  The tab for this hour plus, was well over 500 dollars.  So, there went my show budget of the season, but since Jack is lame, and has melanoma, well.  It is what it is.

Yesterday was fledgling day in the barn, and the yard,  baby birds everywhere were being lured from the safety of the nest, and full stomachs, by their parents, I had a family of barn swallows in the barn, and I watched the parents lure the babies with bits of bugs in their beaks,  they would fly to the nest, and then when the babies popped up mouths gaping, they hoped away along the conduit that the nest is built on.  This is the second year the swallows have lived in the barn, and they have improved their how to get the babies out of the nest skills, last year I picked two of them up of the ground, and placed them on the ledge of the stall,  to keep them off the ground, and out of the claws of my barn cats.. I think fledgling day is sort of a kitty thanksgiving harvest day.. The previous tenants of the nest, were the builders and long term family of Phoebes, they returned to that nest for 5 years.  Last year when they didn’t return, my heart broke a little, but the barn swallows discovered the nest, and raised two broods there last year. The phoebes and I had an arrangement, and they didn’t fear me at all, the swallows are still suspect, and won’t come in the barn if I am working in the doorway.  Unless you get a chance to watch a community of birds year after year, you would never guess the delicate balance of interactivity there is in a huge community of birds.  Last year I saw a crow invade a nest of young robins, the robin parents were frantic, diving and pecking at the crow, but what was really interesting was 3 other robins joined the fight, eventually driving the crow away from the nest. The yard is quieter today, fewer peeping babies begging for food, and its raining, good for the hay, and good for the house, since Ill have time to do some cleaning,  bad for lessons though…  I already hayed this morning, so now I am off to grain.

the beautiful wet spring, coupled with warm days, and cool days has produced some beautiful hay,  I received my first load the end of June, what a relief,  I had about 2 weeks worth of hay left, the hay is lovely, but sadly this year the bales are light. Like one horse per bale light.  its going to cost me this winter.  Business is slow, partially because I haven’t gotten my self in gear, its hard, this year, just being on my own. I can’t seem to work up the energy to clean up my barn, clean up my yard, smarten up my horses.  I haven’t even really competed because I don’t have the energy.  Whining, I guess, I just seem to be stuck.  I can’t seem to pull myself together, if I am not teaching riding, I am not sure what I would like to do, I feel as if I have lost my passion, two of my students, my most consistent students are in trouble with their parents, and can’t come ride this week, which will set me back, 80 dollars, another of my students is on vacation, another 40, so its only tuesday and I am down 120.00 this week. yay.  It was a slow spring, with all the rain, and now this, I lost one student, because she is a full time worker, with a family, who could only ride on Saturday’s, but felt obligated to help her father run his business on the weekends.. Last year I lost 4 students in a month,  it sucked the wind out of me. Sigh.  I always thought that if you loved what you did, the rest would come.  Its not really working for me right now, I guess I could always look for and find a job, but its hard to work for someone when you’ve been used to working for yourself.

Green, that is what I think when I look outside, how green everything is, and how many different shades of this one color there can be.  There are different greens for each tree and its leaves, for instance, the apple tree leaves are a different green from the oak tree, the apple’s leaves are slightly dull, where as the oak, has darker shiner leaves. Then the grasses, This is the march of time, the time of the seasons, if I really think about it, having just put the electric cords and heated buckets truly away yesterday, we are now one month closer to next winter. Hah.   I am hoping for an early hay season, so far, even though the grass looks to be the right height, no one around me is cutting, Of course it does rain every third day, which is good and bad.  So, with just around 100 bales left, and 25 days left before my first load,,, I am waiting, at least the fields will be full this year.

One life’s note, My second dressage show didn’t go exactly as planned.  On Friday afternoon I put Jack out in a paddock , where in expressing his displeasure on his location, he ran down the hill and came to a sliding stop in front of the gate.  So, I moved him,  but Saturday morning, he stepped out of his stall, lame. I put him down in a pasture anyway, hoping he might walk it loose, but in the evening, when I brought him in, it was a no go.  I knew I wouldn’t be showing him on Sunday, so, Satin, is a 26 year old appy mare, I have owned for 18 years,  I bought her out of someones back yard, where their daughter had left her before jetting off to Paris to be a runway model.  With little horse knowledge, the parents fed her like a dog, A very fat dog. In fact, she was so fat, that when I bought her she was 16 hands, she now stands at 15’2,  in fact, I thought she was a draft cross.  But, even after not having been ridden in 4 years, when I hoped on, she trotted and cantered around her enclosure, happily.  I bought her on the spot.  She has been a great girl, mostly.  She hates other horses, and has always had to be pastured by herself, although she has grown more tolerant.  In her prime, she would jump over 4 foot solid fences, but not 3 ft. electric fences, and the first day I brought her home, she jumped out of her stall. but she is a fun safe ride, and always willing to step up and do what ever I ask.  The years have taken their toll on her, she is stiff, and choppy, both some arthritis, and lack of work, and her build, make it hard for her to work in circles, and she has only one canter lead.  So, it was lose my money, or go for the experience, which I need because I get the very worst show nerves. On the cross ties she went, where the winter fuzzies were curried from her coat, the feathers on her legs were trimmed, and her typical appy stand up mane, was trimmed so she resembled a spotty fjord.   Off we went,  it was comforting to have my old friend with me at the show, she was calm, and interested, and true to form, our circles, weren’t and we only had one canter lead, but she tried her very hardest, Scores, can’t show heart.  We came away with thank you for coming ribbons, Which she proudly wore back to the trailer.  She warms my heart, and I am so lucky to have her.  So, off we go to hay.

First, I need to vent again about my family.  I was offered an interesting job,  its a job that I am pretty sure I could do well at.  The biggest hitch, is my current life style, verses the hours that the job would entail.  My horses take up a number of daily hours, 3, if I am efficient, and nothing needs repairing, or cleaning, or catching, or medical treatment.  I fit the hours in, they are my day.  As a stay at home mom type, I have done various part time jobs over the years, but like many horse people, often look for extra work to supplement the costs of my horses.  I really wanted to maybe think about taking this job, so I approached my family.  Not one of them was supportive.  Mostly because when I asked them for help, they were pretty much, NO, not me!!  Sadly NO ONE , said, wow, thats great, how can I help you achieve that?? Every single one of them said, well, what about the house, what about me, what about …… My changing my life was an inconvenience for them.   It makes me sad, that no one in my immediate family was interested in helping me. It also makes me a little angry,  I know that as a mother, you make sacrifices,  but there isn’t anyone home really anymore, my husband only speaks to me when he is listing chores for me to do, my daughter when she needs money, and my oldest when he feels the need to tell me what bad children the other two are.  My youngest said, do what you want, but don’t ask me to do the horses because the answer is no. I feel let down, and hurt, and inconsequential.  I know, that when ever any one of them has wanted to try something, I have done what I could to help them achieve, I have provided support, funds, travel, guidance,  meals, done extra work, set aside something I wanted to do, for them, to do what they want to do.  Now, I wonder, is it worth paying someone to do for me what my family won’t.  I feel like if I don’t try this, the chance will pass and I will always wonder.

Ok, that’s out of the way.  Sunday, was my first dressage show of the season on Jack. We really didn’t do very well, he was funky in his gaits, and stiff over his back, and I think the judge just didn’t care for him, I think.  What was interesting, was the spectators,  I had several people approach me after each of my tests to talk to me, and to pat him, they said how wonderfully he tried, how beautiful he looked, how well we worked together. After my first test, total strangers clapped,  after my second, all the people that had watched his first test cheered after his second.  What a special feeling, I did have one friend there with her children, for the second test, and they were so supportive, but it was the cheers, and clapping from the other side of the ring that caught my attention. Our scores were low for that judge, she seemed to be scoring pretty high mostly. But, sunnyside, is we got two qualifying scores for our club medal.  On to next weekend, and off to hay.  k

So, Spring finally settled in, there are birds, flowers, bees, and black flies, One day I am in my winter breeches and jacket, and searching for gloves, and literally two days later, shorts and short sleeves,  yesterday was in the 90’s, today, is more temperate, a mere 82 so far as I type this,  my hay store is depleting, but the grasses in the hay fields are coming up like crazy, a good spring green, we have had a good balance of rain, and sun, and warmth, but not too warm, my pastures such as they are,  (in need of fertilization and seed and rest,, not to mention a good drag with the tractor) are actually growing nice grass, hopefully the crop will come in early, or I will have to start searching for some extra bales, I would buy more round bales, but the horses waste them now, because they are not really hungry, they search thru the bales for the best pieces of hay, and waste so much of it .  Round bale feeders are one solution, but I worry about injuries, I haven’t tried the net feeders, but worry about pawing horses getting them wrapped around hooves.  I worry about horses getting legs over and thru the round bale feeders, and there is the ever present worry of twine caught around a delicate tendon, which is why I remove every piece when the round bales go in the field, which allows for more waste. but also piece of mind.  I have to drag my pastures and string two more pasture areas, plus advertise my riding business.  I have a lot of work to do, and 13 horses to hay, off I go.

It would be nice, if mother’s day were recognized by my horses,  but alias even in the pouring rain on mothers day, I had to go out and feed them, and water them, and hay them.   Horses don’t recognize a busy life, or a long day, or a holiday, they require the same care everyday.  At roughly the same time. Yesterday my middle child graduated from College,  this is a big deal, because my oldest will never go to college, he already knows everything, and is currently so enamored with drugs, that I worry constantly, and my youngest, while being a wonderful person and so helpful, and funny, is wasting his life by not doing anything with it. Although I yell, discuss with, cajole , him, he stays here at home, my children are not living up to my expectations.My daughter, really wasted her college years, she never really put into the college enough effort to take anything special away from it, she was busy partying, and doing stupid stuff, to look at the opportunities the school could have offered her. She left behind an unremarkable mark.  She would tell you its because I made her have a job, well, if she hadn’t had a job, I’d be in financial ruins,  as it is, she stole thousands of dollars from both my bank account, and my credit cards.  My biggest concern for her future is whether or not I will be visiting her in jail someday for financial theft. My oldest son,  was an effort to get thru high school, he refused to do homework, refused to get to school on time, took little interest in his studies, and I begged, rationalized, threatened, bribed, all to no avail.  He barely graduated, and then only because I said something about getting a lawyer when the school called and said he might not graduate.  My oldest refused to discuss college, he wanted to be a business man, ok. First he was crew on a lobstering boat, then he became a drug dealer, he sold pot to friends of mine, total strangers, OH, and kids. ,  high school kids, then sometimes he sold stronger stuff.  All the while, my husband refused to listen to me, about the drugs he was doing, I think my biggest regret as a parent right now, is maybe I should have left this house, and taken my kids, not because my husband is bad, but because he is benign.  He never taught the kids anything, I taught them manners, I tried to teach them morals, ethics, I tried to teach them to be good people.  He largely ignored them, unless, they were somehow being a reflection on him,  when my oldest and my middle started fighting, and I mean fighting, my daughter wouldn’t listen, and my son would be screaming, and my husband would be sitting there reading the paper, when I would say, hey, stop them, and then I would get in the middle, he would say he just tuned it out, and I would say, well, they pretty much are screaming for your attention.  Never, would he hold my oldest accountable, only my daughter.  He would scream at me later about how she started it, every single time.  There was a period of time, where my daughter and I would actually have knock down drag outs, she would punch or shove me, and I would simply take her down. Of course, she remembers only that part. She never remembers what she did to lead up to it. If I have to assign blame, Ill say bad parenting, my bad choices, my staying when maybe I should have left, because I wanted to be secure, I wanted to keep my life, I wanted my family under one roof, my horses, my dogs, I didn’t want to fight over holidays, or weekends, so this mothers day is a painful one for me, my kids thus far today have ignored me, no heartwarming facebook posts,  no breakfast together, no flowers or cards, they say, you reap what you sow, and although I tried to make christmases, birthdays, sundays, and vacations special, although I think I tried often to be a good mother, apparently, by my empty morning, I did not succeed.  So, large is my regret, in raising children there are no do overs.  What I have raised, are selfish, unmotivated, and drug addicted addtions to this world, my saddness over what they are wasting is enormous.  Truthfully, I wonder, if I could start over, what I would do differently, honestly, I think, if I knew how my children would turn out, I may not have had them, and yet, I have a friend, who lost her son over the winter in a car accident, and I know how much she must be suffering on a day like today.  I guess, I was a parenting idiot, I made family dinners, i read to each of them at night, I went to school events, and sports, and tried to foster interests, hobbies, and passions, at the drop of a hat, I would fetch lunches, forgotten papers, and chauffeur each of them to the craft store to purchase supplies for the last minutes due tomorrow project, I would stay up late for giving rides,  I sent in made up sick notes, for days when we hadn’t studied for the big test, or finished the recently supply purchased project.. and yet, as it stands today, right now, I have done it all wrong, my kids only reflect the very worst of me, the anger, frustrations, short comings, I am so saddened that I have ruined these little lives, that I took unblemished babies, and raised them into what I present to the world as my children. I miss the school vacation mornings, that we all would curl up in my bed, and watch disney dvds, or read, I misss the days of toys everywhere, because we all had to play, read, and sit within the 12×5 ft. area, I remember taking them to the candy store on fridays for a treat after a perfect attendance school week,I know, it wasn’t all bad, I know we had lots of fun, and I know that at one time we were a real and happy family.  I know also, that,  I had some dark years, I know I was angry, I got help, and have tried to make amends,    I can not change what I did, to my children, and how it comes back to remind me each year.,  but maybe these words, somewhen, will help another. I hear kicking in the barn, my four legged kids are calling for attention.. off to hay.

The last 2 days have been April, no doubt. 2 Days of rain.  Which normally wouldn’t bother me, but I am planning on getting away for a few days, and I had to do the whole spring clean up and repair and refence in the last 3 days.  Day 1 was beautiful.  Day 2 and day 3,,, Rain…. Rain and more rain. I have been putting out round bales(hay) so my horses won’t notice Im gone, with their faces buried in hay, that took 6 hours, and fencing. Which frankly, I have mostly lived with out, mostly always meaning to get it done… Well, now half of it is done.  I was amazed and exhausted.  Now I need a vacation to help me re-coup .  I don’t get away much, Its hard with this many horses to get someone to take care of them for a reasonable amount of money.  For me they are practically a part time job, So, its hard to ask someone else to spend that amount of time.

Any way…the hay is out, and off I go.