It would be nice, if mother’s day were recognized by my horses,  but alias even in the pouring rain on mothers day, I had to go out and feed them, and water them, and hay them.   Horses don’t recognize a busy life, or a long day, or a holiday, they require the same care everyday.  At roughly the same time. Yesterday my middle child graduated from College,  this is a big deal, because my oldest will never go to college, he already knows everything, and is currently so enamored with drugs, that I worry constantly, and my youngest, while being a wonderful person and so helpful, and funny, is wasting his life by not doing anything with it. Although I yell, discuss with, cajole , him, he stays here at home, my children are not living up to my expectations.My daughter, really wasted her college years, she never really put into the college enough effort to take anything special away from it, she was busy partying, and doing stupid stuff, to look at the opportunities the school could have offered her. She left behind an unremarkable mark.  She would tell you its because I made her have a job, well, if she hadn’t had a job, I’d be in financial ruins,  as it is, she stole thousands of dollars from both my bank account, and my credit cards.  My biggest concern for her future is whether or not I will be visiting her in jail someday for financial theft. My oldest son,  was an effort to get thru high school, he refused to do homework, refused to get to school on time, took little interest in his studies, and I begged, rationalized, threatened, bribed, all to no avail.  He barely graduated, and then only because I said something about getting a lawyer when the school called and said he might not graduate.  My oldest refused to discuss college, he wanted to be a business man, ok. First he was crew on a lobstering boat, then he became a drug dealer, he sold pot to friends of mine, total strangers, OH, and kids. ,  high school kids, then sometimes he sold stronger stuff.  All the while, my husband refused to listen to me, about the drugs he was doing, I think my biggest regret as a parent right now, is maybe I should have left this house, and taken my kids, not because my husband is bad, but because he is benign.  He never taught the kids anything, I taught them manners, I tried to teach them morals, ethics, I tried to teach them to be good people.  He largely ignored them, unless, they were somehow being a reflection on him,  when my oldest and my middle started fighting, and I mean fighting, my daughter wouldn’t listen, and my son would be screaming, and my husband would be sitting there reading the paper, when I would say, hey, stop them, and then I would get in the middle, he would say he just tuned it out, and I would say, well, they pretty much are screaming for your attention.  Never, would he hold my oldest accountable, only my daughter.  He would scream at me later about how she started it, every single time.  There was a period of time, where my daughter and I would actually have knock down drag outs, she would punch or shove me, and I would simply take her down. Of course, she remembers only that part. She never remembers what she did to lead up to it. If I have to assign blame, Ill say bad parenting, my bad choices, my staying when maybe I should have left, because I wanted to be secure, I wanted to keep my life, I wanted my family under one roof, my horses, my dogs, I didn’t want to fight over holidays, or weekends, so this mothers day is a painful one for me, my kids thus far today have ignored me, no heartwarming facebook posts,  no breakfast together, no flowers or cards, they say, you reap what you sow, and although I tried to make christmases, birthdays, sundays, and vacations special, although I think I tried often to be a good mother, apparently, by my empty morning, I did not succeed.  So, large is my regret, in raising children there are no do overs.  What I have raised, are selfish, unmotivated, and drug addicted addtions to this world, my saddness over what they are wasting is enormous.  Truthfully, I wonder, if I could start over, what I would do differently, honestly, I think, if I knew how my children would turn out, I may not have had them, and yet, I have a friend, who lost her son over the winter in a car accident, and I know how much she must be suffering on a day like today.  I guess, I was a parenting idiot, I made family dinners, i read to each of them at night, I went to school events, and sports, and tried to foster interests, hobbies, and passions, at the drop of a hat, I would fetch lunches, forgotten papers, and chauffeur each of them to the craft store to purchase supplies for the last minutes due tomorrow project, I would stay up late for giving rides,  I sent in made up sick notes, for days when we hadn’t studied for the big test, or finished the recently supply purchased project.. and yet, as it stands today, right now, I have done it all wrong, my kids only reflect the very worst of me, the anger, frustrations, short comings, I am so saddened that I have ruined these little lives, that I took unblemished babies, and raised them into what I present to the world as my children. I miss the school vacation mornings, that we all would curl up in my bed, and watch disney dvds, or read, I misss the days of toys everywhere, because we all had to play, read, and sit within the 12×5 ft. area, I remember taking them to the candy store on fridays for a treat after a perfect attendance school week,I know, it wasn’t all bad, I know we had lots of fun, and I know that at one time we were a real and happy family.  I know also, that,  I had some dark years, I know I was angry, I got help, and have tried to make amends,    I can not change what I did, to my children, and how it comes back to remind me each year.,  but maybe these words, somewhen, will help another. I hear kicking in the barn, my four legged kids are calling for attention.. off to hay.