First, I need to vent again about my family.  I was offered an interesting job,  its a job that I am pretty sure I could do well at.  The biggest hitch, is my current life style, verses the hours that the job would entail.  My horses take up a number of daily hours, 3, if I am efficient, and nothing needs repairing, or cleaning, or catching, or medical treatment.  I fit the hours in, they are my day.  As a stay at home mom type, I have done various part time jobs over the years, but like many horse people, often look for extra work to supplement the costs of my horses.  I really wanted to maybe think about taking this job, so I approached my family.  Not one of them was supportive.  Mostly because when I asked them for help, they were pretty much, NO, not me!!  Sadly NO ONE , said, wow, thats great, how can I help you achieve that?? Every single one of them said, well, what about the house, what about me, what about …… My changing my life was an inconvenience for them.   It makes me sad, that no one in my immediate family was interested in helping me. It also makes me a little angry,  I know that as a mother, you make sacrifices,  but there isn’t anyone home really anymore, my husband only speaks to me when he is listing chores for me to do, my daughter when she needs money, and my oldest when he feels the need to tell me what bad children the other two are.  My youngest said, do what you want, but don’t ask me to do the horses because the answer is no. I feel let down, and hurt, and inconsequential.  I know, that when ever any one of them has wanted to try something, I have done what I could to help them achieve, I have provided support, funds, travel, guidance,  meals, done extra work, set aside something I wanted to do, for them, to do what they want to do.  Now, I wonder, is it worth paying someone to do for me what my family won’t.  I feel like if I don’t try this, the chance will pass and I will always wonder.

Ok, that’s out of the way.  Sunday, was my first dressage show of the season on Jack. We really didn’t do very well, he was funky in his gaits, and stiff over his back, and I think the judge just didn’t care for him, I think.  What was interesting, was the spectators,  I had several people approach me after each of my tests to talk to me, and to pat him, they said how wonderfully he tried, how beautiful he looked, how well we worked together. After my first test, total strangers clapped,  after my second, all the people that had watched his first test cheered after his second.  What a special feeling, I did have one friend there with her children, for the second test, and they were so supportive, but it was the cheers, and clapping from the other side of the ring that caught my attention. Our scores were low for that judge, she seemed to be scoring pretty high mostly. But, sunnyside, is we got two qualifying scores for our club medal.  On to next weekend, and off to hay.  k

So, Spring finally settled in, there are birds, flowers, bees, and black flies, One day I am in my winter breeches and jacket, and searching for gloves, and literally two days later, shorts and short sleeves,  yesterday was in the 90’s, today, is more temperate, a mere 82 so far as I type this,  my hay store is depleting, but the grasses in the hay fields are coming up like crazy, a good spring green, we have had a good balance of rain, and sun, and warmth, but not too warm, my pastures such as they are,  (in need of fertilization and seed and rest,, not to mention a good drag with the tractor) are actually growing nice grass, hopefully the crop will come in early, or I will have to start searching for some extra bales, I would buy more round bales, but the horses waste them now, because they are not really hungry, they search thru the bales for the best pieces of hay, and waste so much of it .  Round bale feeders are one solution, but I worry about injuries, I haven’t tried the net feeders, but worry about pawing horses getting them wrapped around hooves.  I worry about horses getting legs over and thru the round bale feeders, and there is the ever present worry of twine caught around a delicate tendon, which is why I remove every piece when the round bales go in the field, which allows for more waste. but also piece of mind.  I have to drag my pastures and string two more pasture areas, plus advertise my riding business.  I have a lot of work to do, and 13 horses to hay, off I go.

It would be nice, if mother’s day were recognized by my horses,  but alias even in the pouring rain on mothers day, I had to go out and feed them, and water them, and hay them.   Horses don’t recognize a busy life, or a long day, or a holiday, they require the same care everyday.  At roughly the same time. Yesterday my middle child graduated from College,  this is a big deal, because my oldest will never go to college, he already knows everything, and is currently so enamored with drugs, that I worry constantly, and my youngest, while being a wonderful person and so helpful, and funny, is wasting his life by not doing anything with it. Although I yell, discuss with, cajole , him, he stays here at home, my children are not living up to my expectations.My daughter, really wasted her college years, she never really put into the college enough effort to take anything special away from it, she was busy partying, and doing stupid stuff, to look at the opportunities the school could have offered her. She left behind an unremarkable mark.  She would tell you its because I made her have a job, well, if she hadn’t had a job, I’d be in financial ruins,  as it is, she stole thousands of dollars from both my bank account, and my credit cards.  My biggest concern for her future is whether or not I will be visiting her in jail someday for financial theft. My oldest son,  was an effort to get thru high school, he refused to do homework, refused to get to school on time, took little interest in his studies, and I begged, rationalized, threatened, bribed, all to no avail.  He barely graduated, and then only because I said something about getting a lawyer when the school called and said he might not graduate.  My oldest refused to discuss college, he wanted to be a business man, ok. First he was crew on a lobstering boat, then he became a drug dealer, he sold pot to friends of mine, total strangers, OH, and kids. ,  high school kids, then sometimes he sold stronger stuff.  All the while, my husband refused to listen to me, about the drugs he was doing, I think my biggest regret as a parent right now, is maybe I should have left this house, and taken my kids, not because my husband is bad, but because he is benign.  He never taught the kids anything, I taught them manners, I tried to teach them morals, ethics, I tried to teach them to be good people.  He largely ignored them, unless, they were somehow being a reflection on him,  when my oldest and my middle started fighting, and I mean fighting, my daughter wouldn’t listen, and my son would be screaming, and my husband would be sitting there reading the paper, when I would say, hey, stop them, and then I would get in the middle, he would say he just tuned it out, and I would say, well, they pretty much are screaming for your attention.  Never, would he hold my oldest accountable, only my daughter.  He would scream at me later about how she started it, every single time.  There was a period of time, where my daughter and I would actually have knock down drag outs, she would punch or shove me, and I would simply take her down. Of course, she remembers only that part. She never remembers what she did to lead up to it. If I have to assign blame, Ill say bad parenting, my bad choices, my staying when maybe I should have left, because I wanted to be secure, I wanted to keep my life, I wanted my family under one roof, my horses, my dogs, I didn’t want to fight over holidays, or weekends, so this mothers day is a painful one for me, my kids thus far today have ignored me, no heartwarming facebook posts,  no breakfast together, no flowers or cards, they say, you reap what you sow, and although I tried to make christmases, birthdays, sundays, and vacations special, although I think I tried often to be a good mother, apparently, by my empty morning, I did not succeed.  So, large is my regret, in raising children there are no do overs.  What I have raised, are selfish, unmotivated, and drug addicted addtions to this world, my saddness over what they are wasting is enormous.  Truthfully, I wonder, if I could start over, what I would do differently, honestly, I think, if I knew how my children would turn out, I may not have had them, and yet, I have a friend, who lost her son over the winter in a car accident, and I know how much she must be suffering on a day like today.  I guess, I was a parenting idiot, I made family dinners, i read to each of them at night, I went to school events, and sports, and tried to foster interests, hobbies, and passions, at the drop of a hat, I would fetch lunches, forgotten papers, and chauffeur each of them to the craft store to purchase supplies for the last minutes due tomorrow project, I would stay up late for giving rides,  I sent in made up sick notes, for days when we hadn’t studied for the big test, or finished the recently supply purchased project.. and yet, as it stands today, right now, I have done it all wrong, my kids only reflect the very worst of me, the anger, frustrations, short comings, I am so saddened that I have ruined these little lives, that I took unblemished babies, and raised them into what I present to the world as my children. I miss the school vacation mornings, that we all would curl up in my bed, and watch disney dvds, or read, I misss the days of toys everywhere, because we all had to play, read, and sit within the 12×5 ft. area, I remember taking them to the candy store on fridays for a treat after a perfect attendance school week,I know, it wasn’t all bad, I know we had lots of fun, and I know that at one time we were a real and happy family.  I know also, that,  I had some dark years, I know I was angry, I got help, and have tried to make amends,    I can not change what I did, to my children, and how it comes back to remind me each year.,  but maybe these words, somewhen, will help another. I hear kicking in the barn, my four legged kids are calling for attention.. off to hay.